Nöel Noir: Script

ACT ONE

Characters in order of appearance

Scene one:

MR SNOW 
MRS SNOW
SANTA 1
POSTMAN 1
SANTA 2
SANTA 3
BUTCHER 1
BUTCHER 2
POSTMAN 2
POSTMAN 3
WAYNE
SUE
MICK

Scene two:

MOTHER
SON
DAD
RADIO ANNOUNCER (OFFSTAGE)

Scene three:

FARMER
NELLIE (A HORSE)
DICKENS
WENCH
OLIVER TWIST
DODGER
PLAGUE DOCTOR 

 

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SCENE ONE

After a series of Christmas songs a school hand bell will be rung to signal the beginning of the show.

DIM HOUSE LIGHTS

CUE: INTRO:ICY WIND & XMAS MUSIC

ENTER (L) MR SNOW and MRS SNOW (laden with shopping),who stroll slowly towards centre stage.

ENTER (R) SANTA 1, head bowed walking solemnly.

                        SANTA 1:(sadly, wearily) Merry Christmas.

                        MR & MRS SNOW: (together) Merry Christmas Father Christmas!

                        MR SNOW: And a happy New Year!

MR & MRS SNOW PAUSE (C)

ENTER POSTMAN 1 (R) crosses stage grunting with heavy load. Exits.

MRS SNOW: Can we pause here for a moment?

MR SNOW: Certainly darling. You tired?

MRS SNOW: I need to look at my list again.

MR SNOW: I have it right here.

ENTER SANTA 2 and SANTA 3 (L). They cross stage whispering secretively then exit. MR SNOW gets list out.

MRS SNOW: I want to go back and try on those shoes again. The ones with the big black straps. You know? The pointy ones? In that shop with the big white fountain?

MR SNOW: (handing over list) With the little gold padlocks?

MRS SNOW: Yes. And diamonds on the vamp. You liked them?

MR SNOW: In a paranoid way, yes. There's something about them. I'm not sure what you'd wear them with.

MRS SNOW: Let's see what else we have to buy...

MR SNOW: Shall we take a cab?

MRS SNOW: Oh God yes. I need to rest my feet.

MR SNOW: You can't try them on with swollen feet. They're very, very pointed.

MRS SNOW: I'll get into them!

ENTER TWO BLOOD SPLATTERED BUTCHERS (1&2)(L)

MR&MRS SNOW EXIT (R) TALKING ABOUT SHOPPING WITHOUT SEEING BUTCHERS.

BUTCHER 1: Phew that was a nightmare that was.

BUTCHER 2: I never thought we'd get away with it. That trail of blood. There was so much blood, man!

BUTCHER 1: When I heard the door go and then footsteps coming along the corridor - I thought we were paxo'd.

BUTCHER 2: Paxo'd?

BUTCHER 1: Stuffed.

BUTCHER 2: Oh very clever. Listen I'm not in the mood for jokes. I want to get this blood off.

BUTCHER 1: We got away with it though. I never thought we'd do it. Piece of pie.

BUTCHER 2: Come on, where is he? I want to get home and get all this blood off. It's gone right through. I stink of it.

ENTER SANTA 3, GOES DIRECT TO BUTCHERS.

                        BUTCHER 1: Right. Here he is. Bang on time.

                        SANTA 3: Well? Did you do 'em?

                        BUTCHER 1: We done em alright.

                        SANTA 3: Where are they?

BUTCHER 1: In the wheelie bins at the back of his mum's.

BUTCHER 2: You'd better bang some in a freezer.

SANTA 3: Yeah. How long before they start to go off?

BUTCHER 2: Depends how long they've been dead for.

BUTCHER 1: They were in a fridge, that's where we got 'em. Nearly got caught by the boss, though. Four dozen... good work, eh?

SANTA 3: Four dozen turkeys... how much is that worth? Say a fiver a bird?

BUTCHER 2: Depends...

SANTA 3: What's your boss get for them?

BUTCHER1: Sells turkeys by the pound...

BUTCHERS 1 & 2 EXIT WITH SANTA 3 (R) DISCUSSING POULTRY PRICES. ENTER POSTMAN 1 (L)STILL LADEN DOWN WITH MAIL.

CUE: NEW TRACK

POSTMAN 1 PAUSES WHEN HE HEARS

POSTMAN 2(off) Hold on mate, you've left your stirs. They were on your frame.

POSTMAN 1: Oh Jesus Christ.

ENTER POSTMAN 2 (L)WAVING LETTERS, CROSSES TO POSTMAN 1.

                        POSTMAN 2: Here you are mate.

POSTMAN 1 : Thanks. It's been real heavy this morning.

POSTMAN 2: What? The snow or the letters?

POSTMAN 1: Everything. Thirty Yorks. Parcels. Had a load of complaints. People say they're waiting for this that and the other.

POSTMAN 2: Giros...

POSTMAN 1: I'm outta this job after Christmas.

POSTMAN 2: Too right mate. It's a shit job.

ENTER POSTMAN 3.

POSTMAN 3: Quick! Back to the office, they're having a meeting. The managers has cut our bonus and the DOM's saying nobody gets Saturday off after Christmas. TOSSERS! They're 'aving a laugh.

POSTMAN 2: What's the Union saying?

POSTMAN 3: What do you think? They're calling a strike.

POSTMAN 2: We're OUT? What? AT Christmas?

POSTMAN 1: way Hey! We're OFF WORK! Days off innit?

POSTMAN 2: WITHOUT PAY.

EXIT THREE POSTMEN TALKING ABOUT STRIKING

FADE MUSIC.

 

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SCENE TWO

 

CUE: MUSIC3 (IDENT)AND FAMILY DRAMA INTRO.

Two people carry a table onto C. Stage. Two SANTAS bring on two chairs.

CUE: MUSIC4

ENTER: MOTHER with Christmas cards, and SON with other Christmas decor which he drapes around the tree.

MOTHER: I want this Christmas to be HAPPY. Every year it gets ruined. If this isn't a HAPPY Christmas I'm going to cancel it next year. Maybe go away somewhere on holiday. I never thought I'd find myself saying that.

SON: (simultaneously from "away somewhere")

Can I cancel Christmas this year?

MOTHER: What?

SON: Nothing.

MOTHER: What did you say? Come on, say it.

SON: Nothing, I just feel like cancelling it.

MOTHER: Well that's NICE. I want Christmas to go smoothly without any arguments and you want it cancelled.

SON: I DON'T want it cancelled.

ENTER: DAD. DAD LOOKS AT MOTHER AND SON THEN QUICKLY EXITS.

                        MOTHER: Don't start anything.

                        SON: I'm NOT starting anything.

MOTHER: Every day I have to suffer these terrible headaches.

SON: It's not MY fault.

MOTHER: Look. I want to have a peaceful and happy Christmas Day with my family. No rows. No trouble from you or your brother. No headaches.

SON: He's not coming anyway.

MOTHER: He's WHAT? He's NOT COMING on CHRISTMAS DAY!

SON: Oh shit. I shouldn't have said.

MOTHER: Oh WHAT? WHAT!! Where is he? Why can't he come home to his MOTHER for Christmas?

SON: He Can't.

MOTHER: Eh? You'd better bloody well explain all this my lad. Right now.

SON: Ask him. I shouldn't be the one to tell you.

MOTHER: HOW in blazes can I ASK him when he's not HERE, and isn't coming; and HASN'T even PHONED to SAY so? WHY won't you tell your Mother the truth about her eldest son? Is it because he's always been the favourite?

ENTER DAD with wrapped Christmas gifts.

                        DAD: MERRY Christmas!

MOTHER: MERRY? You call this MERRY? Our oldest son hasn't even the DECENCY to tell us he isn't coming home for Christmas.Christmas has been officially cancelled. [start ripping up cards]

DAD: What? Danny? Not coming home?

MOTHER: That's right, and his selfish little brother KNOWS WHY and won't tell me a single detail. WHY?

SON: I can't tell you. That's why.

DAD: What's all this?

SON: I told you. I can't tell you.

DAD: WHAT can't you tell me?

SON: He's too ashamed of being GAY.

MOTHER: DON'T you force feed me your black, black lies. I want to know the real reason. Has he got somebody PREGNANT?

DAD: is he in jail?

MOTHER: TELL ME THE TRUTH!

DAD: He's not joined the ARMY has he? He's into all that short hair and camouflage.

SON: He's not in the army.

MOTHER: For once in my life I wanted a Happy Christmas but it's all ruined now. Find me my headache pills. One of my sons is a liar and the other a coward. Where did we go wrong?

DAD: I'm off to the pub.

MOTHER: No you are not. Not unshaven, and you'll put your best jumper on.

SON: Danny gave me this letter to give you.

MOTHER: Give me that.

(SON gives MOTHER letter and she immediately rips it up without opening it.)

Music stops.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSTAGE): WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO BRING YOU AN EMERGENCY WARNING.

WE WILL NOT RETURN TO THE CHRISTMAS FAMILY FAVOURITES SHOW. DO NOT SWITCH OFF YOUR RADIO. TURN ON YOUR TELEVISION SET. AS A RESULT OF THIS MORNINGS ACCIDENTAL TERROR ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES, A NUCLEAR MISSILE HAS BEEN INADVERTENTLY LAUNCHED, AND IS DUE TO STRIKE LONDON IN APPROXIMATELY SEVEN MINUTES. A DIRECT HIT CANNOT BE DIVERTED AT THIS STAGE.

MUM: Turn that OFF!

SON: LEAVE IT ON! Quick, get down under the table! That's what you're supposed to do.

DAD: No way! I'm not going to miss this for the World! I'm going outside to watch. It's History!

MUM: You'll have to have a shave first and put your jumper on. I don't want the neighbours knowing you haven't shaved on CHRISTMAS DAY!

CUE: END MUSIC

ALL EXIT. BLACKOUT.

 

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SCENE THREE

 

LIGHTS UP.

ENTER FARMER FOLLOWED BY NELLIE

FARMER: Aah Nellie! Here we are in London Town at last! Come on, Nellie, keep up! We'll find somebody here who can cure you of the plague.

NELLIE COUGHS AND LOOKS ILL

ENTER: DICKENS

FARMER: Aah! Squire! Can you help us sir? I'm looking for a cure for my poor sick horse, Nellie. It's riddled with the plague.

DICKENS: The plague? Is it contageous?

FARMER: Only mules and horses get it.

DICKENS: Oh. Poor thing. It does look rather unwell.

FARMER: We've walked four hundred miles.

DICKENS: Tell you what my boy. Let's take it to an old rat-infested tavern I know, and give it some grog.

FARMER: Grog? Like this? (spits)

DICKENS: No, no, you poor simpleton. Come along.

FARMER, DICKENS, AND NELLIE EXIT.

HORSES HOOVES (lots)

CUE: TAVERN MUSIC

ENTER: WENCH, DODGER, and OLIVER. In high spirits.

WENCH is laughing. Dodger is eating and drinking and laughing. Oliver is skipping about excitedly.

                        WENCH: Ha ha ha ha ha Ooh ha ha.

DODGER: I never knew a comely wench that laughed as much. She's always merry.

OLIVER: It's the gin. And when she runs out of gin, she tickles herself.

ENTER: DICKENS AND FARMER.

WENCH: Hello squire. Fancy a nip of gin? Or a pot of hot grog?

FARMER: Is it alright to bring me 'orse in?

WENCH: 'ORSE? Ha ha ha ha.

DODGER: 'Ores? Where?

FARMER: Me 'ORSE. It needs some grog.

OLIVER spits

WENCH: Ha ha ha ha. Well that's alright. Ha ha ha ha.

DICKENS: The drinks are on me. I just had a Christmas book published and I'm rather flush actually.

EXIT FARMER

OLIVER: Cooo. You must be a right toff if you writes books.

DICKENS: Yes, I'm Charles Dickens. THE Charles Dickens.

OLIVER: I'm Oliver Twist. I've run away from the workhouse.

DICKENS: How fascinating. You must come up to my study sometime and tell me of your humble origins.

ENTER: FARMER WITH NELLIE

                        WENCH: Ha ha ha ha. It's a horse!

                        DODGER: It's a little pony.

                        OLIVER: What's its name?

FARMER: Nellie. She's half dead with the plague. I was hoping somebody might know a vet or a wizard or somebody who can help her. She might die any day.

DICKENS: Perhaps I can help you. I know of a plague doctor.

ALL: A PLAGUE DOCTOR?

DICKENS: Could you do that all together please?

ALL: A PLAGUE DOCTOR?

DICKENS: Yes, a plague doctor. I'll be back in a minute.

EXIT: DICKENS

                        WENCH: Here's some steamy grog.

DODGER SPITS

WENCH gives grog to NELLIE

FARMER: I hope Mr Dickens comes back soon. I don't think Nellie likes the grog.

WENCH spits

                        OLIVER: I hope he can see in all that fog.

FARMER almost spits, then doesn't. Clears throat.

DODGER: (to NELLIE) So what's with the long face? Your old nag looks fit for the knackers yard. That's a few pots of glue and some dogfood stood there.

FARMER: Oh my poor little Nellie. Don't listen to that coarse ruffian.

OLIVER: Have you come a long way?

FARMER: Four hundred miles and ten.

WENCH: Ha ha ha ha ha. Here have something to eat. You like some oats? Some hot soup? Ha Ha ha.

OLIVER: Hay!

DODGER: Wot?

OLIVER: Hay! Nellie might need some hay.

DODGER: Well you go up and pull some thatch off the roof, Oliver me lad. I reckon it needs something stronger than that.

FARMER: Have you got a nice big carrot?

DODGER: Pardon? No I'm just pleased to see you.

NELLIE starts to look worse. Begins dying.

OLIVER: Oh look at Nellie. She's turning all queer.

FARMER: Oh please hurry up and be back soon Mr Dickens!

OLIVER: I think I can hear him coming back now.

Oh look at the shadows coming through the fog. It looks like.... I think it's....oh maybe not.

ENTER DICKENS FOLLOWED BY PLAGUE DOCTOR.

WENCH SCREAMS and OLIVER runs to hide behind her, trembling.

DICKENS: Here we are! I found him by the plague pits salvaging old crusty, diseased, filthy, pus-drenched old poultices from the corpses.

                        DODGER: What is he? A bird? Is he a snowman?

                        OLIVER: Is that the famous Mr Merrick?

                        DODGER: Well it's not flippin Bo Derrick.

FARMER: Oh Mr Dickens! Can he do anything for my Nellie?

DICKENS: Yes, yes, yes. Now don't be afraid. This is the Plague Doctor. He should have a cure for Nellie. Worry not.

PLAGUE DOCTOR shakes his head gravely.

                        OLIVER: What did he say?

PLAGUE DOCTOR is still shaking head.

                        FARMER: Can he help my little Nellie?

                        OLIVER:

DICKENS: I'm afraid he says that Nellie's a bit too far gone. There's nothing he can do.

FARMER: No! Please! Tell him he has to save Nellie or I'll die of a broken heart! I will!

PLAGUE DOCTOR shakes head, NELLIE drops dead.

                        DODGER: She's dead.

FARMER: You killed her! No! Not my Nellie! GOD? Jesus? Are you watching this? How can you let my Nellie die! I thought you were the all-seeing eye!

WENCH goes to comfort FARMER. DODGER sneaks off after stealing something.

DICKENS: He says sorry but he got here too late.

WENCH: He's dying. Oh my lord God Jesus Christ! He's dying! Oh no. No. No.

FARMER: I'm heartbroken. Aagh!

FARMER DIES. OLIVER rushes over and kneels by him and NELLIE. THE PLAGUE DOCTOR joins them for a sort of NATIVITY tableaux.

DICKENS: How pitiful. To die in this Bleak House. At Christmas.

OLIVER: Can things get any worse?

DICKENS: Find out in Act Two.

CUE: END OF ACT ONE MUSIC. ALL EXIT. HOUSE LIGHTS UP. INTERVAL MUSIC.

ACT TWO

Characters

THE STAR
SPOILT GIRL
DAVID
JULIUS
MONTAGE DANCERS (4) [SUE, MARINA, MARCUS, RICHARD]
ROSE-CHEEKED LAURA [KAT]
WILLIE THE WOLF [MARCUS]
BARRY THE BEAR [MARK]
BELINDA THE BUNNY [SUE]
PLAGUE DOCTOR (JULIUS)
TOWNSPEOPLE: [MARINA, RICHARD]
SATAN  [WAYNE]
FARMER TOM  [MICK]
NELLIE THE HORSE [DAVID]

 

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CUE: HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

ENTER: THE STAR

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of my fans for their support in the last year. Thank you so much, from deep in my heart, for your letters of kindness during my unfortunate court case. I hope to find time to write back to each and every individual one of you personally after I have completed my new autobiography, "My Darkest Hour", which is due out in the Spring. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years, and I want you to know that I love you. I really do. God Bless you, and may you continue to be happy in whatever it is you do, wherever you are. Keep proving the critics wrong, and ignoring those cruel and untrue lies which haunt me, and cause me so much inner pain. Your love heals my wounded heart. Thank you again, and have a very special Christmastime.

CUE: SILENT NIGHT

ENTER: SPOILT GIRL

Christmas is a truly magical time of the year. I simply adore it. Every year Mummy's cousins in Norway send us twelve beautiful and fragrant Christmas trees which Evans, our landscape gardener pots in grecian urns along the driveway. On the door we always have a big holly wreath rich with berries, silver bells, and antique glass turtle doves. Last year Mummy found a REAL pear tree with a REAL partridge in it for the hallway. It was SO Christmassy. But unfortunately we came down on Christmas morning and found the partridge stone cold dead. Daddy said it must have got a fright when it saw Santa. It was alright though, because Daddy phoned round some shops and we got another one biked over just before lunch. The new one was even lovelier, but we couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl so we didn't give it a name. I thought it was nice, but I spent all of Christmas day falling in love with the darling little baby bambi Santa had left for me. He had to go back to Scotland after Christmas because Daddy said Hampstead was no place for bambis. Oh I hope I get another one this Christmas...

CUE:
CHRISTMAS VISION

DAVID AND JULIUS 

CUE: MONTAGE NEIGE MUSIC

CUE: PRE-PANTO MUSIC

NARRATOR: Four Hundred and Ten miles from the wretched rotten rat-infested Inn that poor little Nellie and Farmer Tom were put to rest in, the beautiful damsel Rose-cheeked Laura awaits their return.

ENTER: LAURA

NARRATOR: Rose-cheeked Laura and kind Farmer Tom had been engaged to be wed, and Rose-cheeked Laura fondly fingers her ring, a humble wreath of straw, dreaming of her Wedding Day, of wonderful years of meaningful love that actually she would never see.

Unaware of the tragic demise of Nellie the Horse, and grief-stricken, broken-hearted Farmer Tom, she flitted casually around, wistfully imagining other rings on her fingers, and what else he was going to buy her.

Poor sweet crazy rose-cheeked Laura with her limp...[pause for LAURA to limp] eh...limpid eyes, and

lips less red than coral rare, with ruddy cheeks so fond adored and often kissed, Laura rehearses optimistically, as it turns out, her wedding dance.

ENTER: BARRY THE BEAR

 Suddenly she spies Barry, more teddy than grizzly bear, and greets him blushingly. Barry bows in greeting, and Laura asks him "How do you do?"

"How do you do what?" he replies, shrugging and reacting to the audience.

Rose-cheeked Laura merely rolls her eyes, smiles, and tosses her head, and says she'd like to get off with him at once to the

EXIT: LAURA AND BARRY

Woodland lair of her friends Willie the Wolf and his unlikely companion Rose the Rabbit.

CUE : NUTTIN FOR CHRISTMAS.

ENTER: LAURA, BARRY, WILLIE, ROSE

DO NUTTIN FOR CHRISTMAS DANCE

NARRATOR: Happy were they for a while until a spooky figure appeared on the snow topped hill. The ducks and dogs were very very shocked at his ghoulish spectral appearance. But Rose-cheeked Laura and her frolicking friends were not. They were too busy getting excited about Christmas, and the sparse cheer that it would bring.

ENTER: THE PLAGUE DOCTOR

NARRATOR: Well, the Plague Doctor had news for them. He had some very bad news, and their happy gambling/gambolling was about to come to a horrible halt.

ANIMALS AND LAURA HALT

NARRATOR: In a while.

ANIMALS START DANCING AGAIN

The Plague Doctor had come all this way to tell them the dreadful news about Tom and Nellie, and the bleak yet lively Inn where they had croaked it. When he told them they didn't believe him at first, but when they were convinced that the worst had come to pass, and that his information was not defective, they were grief-stricken. Laura thought she might even die right there.

"Oh no PLEASE God tell me that this isn't so. Was it not a lie?" bleats Laura, her rouged-up cheeks streaked with salty tears.

All the animals shook their heads in sorrow.

ENTER: TOWNSPEOPLE

NARRATOR: And even the Townspeople came along to pay their condolences when they heard the tragic news.

The animals didn't know what to do. Rose-cheeked Laura didn't know what to do. And the townspeople, as is traditional in pantomime, didn't know what to do either. The Plague Doctor knew what to do. He told them that they should all write to Santa, and ask him for their friends back for Christmas, no matter what cost.

EXIT: PLAGUE DOCTOR.

They all got together, and somehow or other they eventually cobbled together a letter to Santa Claus, despite their literary shortcomings. They sent the letter off, and sure enough, bye and bye, their letter was dealt with and its recipient appeared. They had summoned, but for a silly mis-spelling, not dear old Santa but SATAN.

ENTER : SATAN

NARRATOR: SATAN Himself appeared to grant their mis-directed Christmas wishes.

"You don't look like Santa Claus" said Rose-cheeked Laura, without the slightest idea that she was confronted with Satan. Satan told them that he would respect their wishes and bring back Nellie, by now a bit smelly, and Tom, well, not as attractive as he was in Act One, back to life.

On one condition: they would have to sell him their poor unfortunate souls. Thank God that isn't a cue for a song.

So they of course agreed, and much to everyone's delight including the Townspeople who hitherto have been very much in the background of this story,

ENTER: NELLIE AND FARMER TOM

Their beloved friends were restored to them!

Back from the grave came Nelly and Tom, all nice and new and fresh and clean and alive.

But Satan had a surprise in store. Satan reminded the townspeople, Laura, and the animals that they had sold their souls to him. And all at once they became very wicked indeed. So wicked in fact that Tom and his faithful Nellie didn't want anything to do with them. And they both flounced off to seek their fortunes in the big wide yonder.

EXIT: FARMER TOM AND NELLIE

NARRATOR: Satan enslaved his new-found friends, and lured them to inappropriate places to do lurid and unspeakable acts.

EXIT: ALL

NARRATOR: In his Penny Dreadful Tuppence Fancy touring company Summer Stock parade of desolate mummers and paupers.

ENTER: FARMER TOM AND NELLIE.

NARRATOR: And as for Tom and his little Nellie, well, they rode happily off into the sunset. Well, this is a pantomime, isn't it?

CUE: END SONG

ENTER: ENSEMBLE

END